


Your Unpleasant Family

by kuolettava (salainen)



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-02
Updated: 2013-12-02
Packaged: 2018-01-03 06:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1067066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salainen/pseuds/kuolettava
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stannis brings Davos to meet the family. Hilarity ensues.</p>
<p>Originally written for/posted on the <a href="http://asoiafkinkmeme.livejournal.com/">kink meme</a>!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Unpleasant Family

**Author's Note:**

> Title lovingly borrowed from the Porcupine Tree song of the same name.

Davos is in the kitchen, making himself a cup of tea when Stannis returns home from work. He's frowning even more than usual, his cell phone clutched so tightly to his face that Davos is worried it's going to snap like a twig. He hangs up before Davos can ask who's on the other end.

"Bad news, Davos," he says, joining him in the kitchen, looking and sounding so defeated that Davos can't help but fear the worst.

His heart seizes. "What is it? Something bad's not happened to Shireen?"

"What? No, she's fine." He runs a hand through his thinning hair. "My brothers want to meet you."

Davos can't help it. He breaks out into a laugh. "And that's your big bad news, is it? You had me worried there."

Stannis frowns even harder. "My brothers are a drunken whoremonger and a spoiled brat, respectively, and the only reason I even allow them into my presence these days is because my father insisted on it before he died. You won't be laughing after tomorrow night." He speaks the last sentence as the gravest of pronouncements instead of part of a dinner invitation.

"We'll see about that," he says, standing on his tiptoes to give him a peck on the cheek.

\-----

They miss the turn-off to pick up Shireen on their way out of town. 

"Shouldn't we be getting Shireen?" Davos asks. "She might want to see her uncles."

"This is a Baratheon family gathering," Stannis says, grimly, his hands tight around the steering wheel. "It's no place for children." 

\-----

Storm's End, the Baratheon family's ancestral home, is an enormous mansion several hours outside the city. Stannis grinds his teeth nearly the entire way there. Davos finds himself beginning to worry that Stannis' brothers are as bad as he says; his _ill-considered_ friendship with Melisandre aside, he is usually a fair judge of character -- but no one is objective when it comes to family.

As most of their drives do, it passes in silence.

Thanks to the Baratheon-Seaworth household's mutual punctuality, they arrive right at six o'clock, as specified by Stannis' younger brother Renly, apparently the inhabitant of Storm's End. Stannis gives a perfunctory knock on the door.

The door swings open and the two of them are greeted by two very well-dressed young men. The one on the left must be Renly, as he carries a certain family resemblence to Stannis, tall and broad and blue-eyed. The one on the right is even more a stranger to Davos, a handsome young thing with a mop of curly brown hair. Davos feels both very small and very shabby in the presence of all these tall posh people.

"Stannis! Good to see you again," says Renly, taking the coat Stannis has thrust at him. 

"Don't lie, Renly."

"It's called _tact_ , Stannis. Something you've never learned, unfortunately." He turns to Davos. "You must be David."

"Davos."

"My mistake," he says, without sounding sorry at all. "Let me take your coat."

Davos hands it to him, not missing the look he throws the still-strange young man or the way he holds it gingerly between his thumb and forefinger. _Posh people_ , he grumbles inwardly.

"Since apparently Renly's not going to do it," says Stannis, "I'll finish the introductions. Davos, this is Loras, Renly's boyfriend. Loras, this is Davos, my fiancé."

"Charmed," says Loras, like that's something people actually say to each other ( _maybe it is, when you're rich, how would I know_ ), not extending his hand for a shake. Stannis starts grinding his teeth again.

"Where's Robert?" he asks when Renly returns from the closet, which was probably larger than Davos' first flat. 

"How would I know? He's not _here_ ; that's all I can tell you, Stanny."

"Don't call me that."

"But how can I resist when you make that face?" he asks, pulling an exaggerated version of Stannis' irritated face. Loras laughs at his joke, and Renly smiles back at him. Davos resists the urge to roll his eyes; Stannis does not.

"Well, let's get out of the foyer," Renly says, chivvying them along the hallway and into what appears to be an honest-to-god _sitting room_. "Tea?" he asks them.

"Love one, thanks," says Loras. 

"Uh. Yes, please," says Davos.

"Water," grunts Stannis. Renly rolls his eyes; Davos gets the feeling this is going to be happening a lot tonight. He's expecting Renly to exit the room to get the drinks, but instead he picks up and rings a bell that was sitting on the table next to him, and a very tall blonde girl appears in the doorway. Clearly, despite his feelings to the contrary, living with Stannis for the last two and a half years has not taught him anything about the lifestyles of the rich and fancy.

"Yes?" says the girl, in a small voice at odds with her large stature.

"Three cups of tea and a water for Captain Boring," Renly tells her, gesturing to Stannis.

"Yes, sir," she says, scurrying out of the room. She returns a moment later with the tea and Stannis' glass of water. The tea is in actual teacups and saucers that Davos thinks are probably worth more than most of his organs would fetch on the black market, and he would know. He makes sure to handle the cup very gently. The corner of Renly's mouth turns up as he watches. Before the girl who brought the drinks can hightail it out of the room, there's a very loud knock on the door.

"Robert," groan both Baratheon brothers. "Brienne, would you get that, please?" Renly asks of the blonde girl, and she nods, heading back toward the foyer. There's a quiet mumbling and a loud roar from that general direction, and suddenly the room is full of the third, oldest Baratheon, Robert. He's just as tall and broad as his brothers, but he's also much fatter and has grown a rather large beard that's doing a poor job of hiding the red colour of his face. 

"Drink driving again," Stannis mutters under his breath when he sees him. Davos looks at him in alarm.

"Stannis! Renly!" Robert shouts, obviously not having heard Stannis, and it's like standing with your head inside a subwoofer. "And Loras, of course, you're always here." Loras gives a slight gesture of acknowledgement with his own obscenely expensive teacup. "Who's the other one?" he asks, looking inquisitively, if a little unfocussedly, at Davos.

"Davos," he says, when he's recovered enough from the onslaught that is Robert's voice to answer. He stands up, carefully placing his teacup on the side table, and extends his hand for a shake. Robert's handshake is as bad as his voice, shaking not only Davos' hand or arm, but most of his torso as well. Again, he curses the fact that he's chosen to marry into what must be the tallest, strongest family in Westeros.

"Wait, who's Davos again?" he asks, after tossing Davos back onto the couch like a rag doll with one playful shove.

"If you'd remove your head from your arse or your beer for five minutes, you'd remember that he's the whole reason we're _having_ this dinner," drawls Renly. "He's marrying Stannis next month."

"He is?! Wait, Stannis, weren't you already married? To a woman? Though with that mustache, it was hard to tell."

Davos buries his face in his hands. Stannis' eye begins twitching unfortunately.

"Yes, Selyse and I were married. If you'll recall, you slept with two of her bridesmaids during the reception. In our bed."

Robert laughs. "I remember those bridesmaids, that's for certain! That was a great wedding."

"It was certainly not," says Stannis through clenched teeth. "Since you clearly require the refresher, Selyse and I divorced six years ago. She has since remarried, to our friend Melisandre. We share custody of Shireen, who is my daughter and your niece, in case you've forgotten that as well."

"I think he has," says Renly. "Little girl, about this high?"

"I remember Shirley," argues Robert.

"Her name is Shireen," says Stannis, grinding his teeth with such ferocity Davos is concerned he's not going to have any by the end of the night. 

"I don't know how you could forget her, with a face like that," Renly says, taking a sip of his tea.

"With a face like _what_?" Davos asks, indignant, before he can stop himself.

"Well, you know, half Stannis, half Selyse, and all disfigurement. And then there's the _ears_ \--"

"Renly!" says Stannis, sharply. He looks ready to throw down, or break the glass of water he's still clutching. Davos kind of hopes it's the former. "That's enough."

"All right, all right, I'm just teasing," Renly says, throwing his hands up in surrender before changing tacks. "Well, Davos, tell us about yourself. We hardly know anything about you; Stannis sent us a three-sentence e-mail. _'I am fine. Shireen is fine. Getting married two months from now. Stannis.'_ It wasn't particularly informative."

While Davos is usually strangely fond of Stannis' taciturn ways, he throws him a glare for getting him into this mess. It's always hard for him to tell others about his life before about five years ago, and when it comes to rich people he's trying to make a good impression on -- well. He decides to gloss over his rather checkered past.

"Well, I'm from King's Landing, and I work in shipping and receiving. Met Stannis through work."

Renly grins. "You're a very dull man, Davos. I see why Stannis likes you so much."

_Little do you know,_ he thinks, but simply shrugs and drinks his tea. He'd rather be boring than cause some sort of scandal by revealing a criminal past in the middle of what is essentially his engagement dinner, considering neither he nor Stannis is much of one for parties, or even proposals. It had just been sort of an agreement more than anything else. But Davos Seaworth is nothing if not a simple man, these days, and that works for him.

\-----

Dinner starts with salad. This, he was expecting, but Davos is thrown by the dazzling array of forks next to his plate. He knows there's a rule for this, but he can't remember if it's outside in or inside out, and he just stares at his silverware like it'll tell him if he looks long enough.

He's saved by Stannis making an uncharacteristic show of picking up his own fork. Davos presses their legs together under the table in silent thanks. Stannis nearly chokes on his mouthful of salad.

Once all of the servants, Davos supposes they are, have left the dining room, Renly speaks again.

"Okay, I know this isn't exactly proper dinner conversation, but I'm dying to know."

Everyone, Loras included, looks at him with wary eyes.

" _What's Stannis like in bed?_ "

Now the whole table's choking.

"What? I'm sure everyone was thinking it," Renly continues, eating his salad rather primly. 

"I definitely wasn't," says Loras, with a theatrical shudder.

Stannis remains silent, his jaw working, his face red. Davos feels a twinge in his chest and the sudden urge to use the largest and sharpest of his mystery knives on Renly.

"Probably better than you," he says softly. Renly's head whips around to look at him. Davos takes a bite of his food, as if challenging Renly to argue the point.

There's a tense silence for what seems like at least a few minutes. Davos doesn't dare look at anyone else, not even Stannis -- he's so intensely private and so insistent on the truth, he probably didn't appreciate it -- until Robert, seated at the head of the table, bursts out laughing. The table shakes. Loras' wine falls over, staining the tablecloth.

"He got you good, boy," he says when his laughter has subsided slightly.

"Yes, I suppose he did," Renly says, his voice forcibly light. Loras pats the back of his hand where it rests on the table.

Davos gives Stannis a weak smile when he turns to look at him. Not unexpectedly, he doesn't return it, but Davos thinks he can read him well enough to know that he's not angry -- or at least he's not angry at Davos.

"Still, I'm surprised he even _knows_ ," Renly is continuing when he looks back across the table. "I mean, if he didn't have that ugly daughter I would honestly think he was still a virgin."

"Renly --" says Stannis, but he doesn't have time to finish his sentence before Davos has leapt across the table, knocking Renly to the floor. Renly is much taller and heavier than Davos, it is true, but if he learned anything growing up in Flea Bottom as a short and skinny foster kid, it was how to fight, and how to fight bigger guys than himself. He's pinned Renly to the floor with his body weight in short order, using his hands to slam Renly's head against the floor.

"Davos!" snaps a familiar voice, and he resurfaces from his rage enough to let Renly go, though he's still sitting on him. Stannis, Loras, Robert, and three of the servants are standing over the both of them. "Get off Renly," continues Stannis, calmly, but with finality. He obliges, standing back up. _Everyone's still so bloody_ tall, he thinks, absurdly.

Stannis leads him back to the foyer with a hand on his shoulder. "What was that?"

"He's been an absolute _shit_ all night, and then he insulted Shireen again -- I'm surprised I didn't do it earlier."

He lets out a breath. "If you think he's bad, wait until you meet Robert's children."

"There are more of you?!"

"That depends who you ask." He pauses for a moment. "Try not to pick a fight with Robert. He's much more likely to fight back. So is Loras, though he doesn't look it."

Davos smiles wryly. "I'll keep that in mind."

"The sooner we finish here the sooner we can leave," he says, which is Stannis-speak for _Apologize for attacking my brother, whether you mean it or not, and eat as fast as possible._

The rest of them are talking as he and Stannis approach the dining room again. "...didn't think he could do worse than that wife of his, but now he shows up with this ...scruffy pirate of a man. Did you hear that accent? At least Selyse was from a good family, even if she never acted like it."

"Well, I'm not surprised," says Robert, who's trying to be quiet, but with his voice it would be a wonder if the neighbours didn't hear it. "It's not like he could do any better, the way he is around people! Like a bloody robot!"

"Oh my god, I know. Remember three Christmases ago, when Shireen tried to give him a hug? He looked like he was about to have a seizure."

Stannis clears his throat from the doorway, Davos right behind him. Renly jumps in his seat; Davos suspects Robert would do the same if he was capable of leaving Earth's gravity anymore. 

"Stannis!" says Renly. "Speak of the devil, yeah?"

He doesn't answer, except by punching Renly in the face. 

"Stann--" Robert begins, but is cut short by Stannis' fist. 

Loras backs away, his hands spread in front of him. "If you're going to punch me, don't go for the face."

"I'm not going to bother with you, Tyrell. Now, Davos and I are leaving. Do not consider yourselves invited to the wedding."

In a rare show of affection, he offers Davos his arm. He takes it.

\-----

"Stannis," Davos says, once they're back in the car and on the road again, "I am sorry for causing such a scene back there."

Stannis snorts. "Davos, in all the years of our friendship, have you ever known me to want to stay at a dinner party or in the company of my family?"

"No."

"Then stop worrying about it."

"They're not going to call the police, are they?"

"Gods, no. It's practically a Baratheon family tradition for all parties to involve at least one assault. The police once told us they wouldn't take any calls from us after that incident with Rhaegar Targaryen."

"I don't know what I've gotten myself into with you, do I?"

"You know perfectly well what you're getting with me. It's my family that remains ...unpredictable."

They lapse into silence for a few moments.

"Thanks for not telling them about me being a smuggler, back in my younger days."

"Of course not," Stannis says gruffly. "You've paid your debt to society and reformed. It's none of their business." He pauses. "Thank you for not telling them about my _disinterest_."

"What happens -- or doesn't -- in our bedroom is none of your brothers' business either."

Stannis doesn't say anything, as is usual for him, but he holds Davos' hand the rest of the way home.

**Author's Note:**

> alternate title for this fic: "Robert And Renly Finally Get Punched In The Face"
> 
> alternate alternate title: "Kuolettava Cannot Resist The Urge To Put Their Asexual Headcanons Where They Don't Really Belong"


End file.
